What of commitment?

The truth is I don’t want to be in a relationship. 

I’ve learned that I’m not “supposed” to feel this way because I see the disappointment, denial, shock and confusion on people’s faces when I tell them that what I truly want is deep emotional connections and lots of space.
I think, perhaps, the craving people have for partnership is similar to the way I craved motherhood. I never daydreamed about being married or building my life with someone.
I never fantasized about coming home to someone everyday and when I imagine it now, the thought doesn’t fill me with joy or desire. I have genuinely never in my life desired a relationship. I’ve accepted them, I’ve allowed them, I’ve made room for them and I’d say I’m pretty good at them, too.
I would tiptoe into them, convincing myself this is the healthy and normal thing to do with love. And, in retrospect, I don’t regret any of my relationships. They catapulted me into doing the deep emotional and spiritual work I was called to do. And, while I don’t believe I needed to suffer to find enlightenment, I do believe that my suffering has allowed me to see, understand and hold space for the suffering of others. It has definitely made me a better coach and healer. 

But anyway, I’ve been searching myself asking the important questions: what am I afraid of? Do I truly not want a relationship or am I afraid of heartbreak or failure? What if the absolute right person came along? What if I change my mind at some point in the future? Am I being selfish by denying Amari the opportunity to have a second parent?
I’ve rolled my eyes at these questions before but I want to confront them now.

So, I’ve learned that a part of me is afraid of being in a relationship, much like part of me is afraid of going into politics. I don’t see those two situations as inherently bad or painful or wrong… but they don’t fit me and it would feel like a kind of self-betrayal. The fear I have is a fear of being in a situation that may align with who others expect me to be or believe I “should be” but ultimately isn’t aligned with who I really am. Not being true to myself scares me. And I see no way of me being true to myself while branding myself as half of a pair. That is simply not who I am.

I am absolutely not afraid of heartbreak. I may be afraid of failure, though. When I think about making new friends, I cower and shrink a bit. I have quite a bit of insecurity there. Will I be a good friend? Will this one work out? Will I jut be left disappointed and abandoned again? Will I get my hopes up in vain only to be left confused, misunderstood and frustrated? Will I be required to become more of who I am not just to sustain the connection? Will I need to “check in” all the time or call or socialize and make small talk? Will they be offended if I don’t? Will I be judged or envied? Will they put me on a pedestal only to throw me off?
The questions and doubts don’t really end. I am afraid of failure when it comes to loving others but… my heart is and will remain open. That fear is present. I am currently exploring and expressing it. It’s on its way out, I think. But in any case, that fear doesn’t determine how I show up and the decisions I make. The fear isn't me, it is only with me. I decide how I live and I’ve decided to lead with love, even when it scares me, even when it may hurt. Just like with making friends, when I think about the possibility of falling in love with someone and giving it my all (again) and getting it wrong (again), it’s definitely scary and embarrassing but I believe that the experience of love is worth the discomfort, pain and fear. Besides, failure isn’t a big deal (if it’s even real).

The right person wouldn’t want me to compromise in order to accommodate their needs. The right person would be compatible with me. The right person wouldn’t need me to change the nature of our relationship in order to validate the love we share. Thinking about it now. All the “benefits” of a relationship don’t benefit me at all. I have very different needs: solitude, silence and minimal social interaction. I am, truly, a loner.

But, let’s say this is only a thirty-year phase. Maybe this is only a temporary feeling. Maybe one day, I’ll start to grow tired of being alone all the time. Maybe I’ll  become lonely and start to want a relationship.
And if that happens, then I’ll attract a relationship. Why would I enter into a relationship I don’t want now because I might want it someday? That’s silly and unfair to whoever I choose to be with. They deserve someone who wants to build a life and share a home with them, not someone who is waiting to want it. 

And perhaps the final question is the most valid- that it may be selfish to deprive my son of a two-parent household just because I want to remain single.
This almost got me. He loves the idea of another parent. In fact, if we could live on a commune, like one big family, he would love that!
But, having only me, doesn’t make him miserable. It doesn’t make him feel stifled ad overwhelmed. He doesn’t slip away from himself because he only has me. Relationships require so much more of me than I can offer. It’s not even about preference, at this point. I simply cannot foresee myself being happy and also taking on the role of someone’s partner. And, that does make me sad for my son. Because he absolutely deserves a village but I’m not willing to lose myself again, not even for him.

I wish people understood that social constructs don’t define or validate love. It’s not love I reject, it’s the cage I’m expected to house it in.
I do want to love again. In fact, I never want to stop loving. I simply don’t want to package that love in a box labeled “commitment”, packed with expectations, responsibility and dependency. And maybe there aren’t many people like me. Maybe I’ll be labeled a commitment-phobe but I know my heart and I know my capacity for love and commitment. But I also know my limit for company, my deep and vast need for solitude, routine, spontaneity and flow.
I don’t want a life that is decided with someone else. I want complete and total control of the decisions that affect me.
When I say I want freedom, people think I mean sexually. but I want independence.
I want to sleep alone sometimes, most times. I want to not have to check in, ever. I want to be able to cook, clean, shower and talk only when I choose to. And silence… I love silence so much. I want days filled with only the sound of my breath and the breeze blowing through the palm trees. I want my schedule, my money, my resources, my energy, my identity and my home to be all mine. I want to be selfish with me. I don’t want anyone to have a claim or entitlement to anything that I am. 

Of course I love, deeply, passionately, irrevocably and unconditionally but I desire to love only from my overflow. I want my love to be received and appreciated but never needed or “required” or demanded.

I have a very hard time distinguishing what is recognized as commitment from codependency. I’m sure there’s a difference. Maybe it’s subtle and for those who desire or enjoy the structure and security of home with another, I’m sure it’s worth it.
And, to be honest, I can relate to the desire for “home”.  I’ve written about it a lot. I think it’s the first thing I’ve ever desired. And I tried to find it or make it with others but I think I’m wired differently. I think, for me, home is just me and my son.
Being a mom already takes up so much of the time and energy I have available for social interaction. Adding another person would feel like a compromise. There would be no room for me. There’s never been enough room for me when I was a couple. So, I’ve decided to take up all the room I need and now, there’s no room for anyone else.